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Why you gotta revisit my ass when I’m working and trying to set my life up for bigger things?

At times like this I wished I can be like any other normal human beings, like those in my close proximity, who fall ill with flu or fever, take a sick day, pop some pills and then be back in full gear, working, grinding.

Because, I can’t take a sick day because I’m feeling like “utter piss in my brain” or “wanting to kill someone with myself on the top of the list”. Neither do I want to go back to the Prozacs, the Xanaxs which will work but leave me bedridden for 2 weeks, a non-functioning blob under the blankets.

Yesterday, I felt a lift in my mood for the first time in a long month and that was when the burst of productivity came, goals set, plans planned. But today, I’m back in the ditches again, confused, helpless, playing victim, being everything I hate about myself.

But new chapter. This is the part of the narrative when I live through the relapse, beat the shit out of it and gain an arsenal to prepare myself for the next one.

 

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red, orange, yellow

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A long weekend that felt like an entire week of battle, bracing imaginary storms of hardened flesh of clenched muscles, relentless anxiety, heart palpitations and the life-draining flow of blood, an endless red flood between my thighs.

My mind is in a thick jungle, through the canopy blinks of sunshine, erratic twinkles with false promises of the clearing where glory can pour its rays on me, the light flood of bliss that never occurred.

The tangle of nerves and irrational fears presents a veil that shrouds my vision in gloom, placing everything in blind spots, including the yellow jug in the direct path I embarked on to launch myself up a volume on the wall, the perfect collision with the right side of my eye, red raw skin, the delayed flood of pain slowly washing over the tiny crater in my face.

But I know, only when I float like a driftwood on the currents of the flood then will there be no more blood, some pain and all glory.

Tabulating Adulthood

Losses
1. Old friends with different values and outlook
2. Disposable time and energy
3. Capacity of tasks on the plate
4. Good quality sleep
5. Intensity of legitimate emotions

Gains
1. Freedom of choices
2. Clarity of what your heart says
3. New friends with shared values and interests
4. Disposable income for hobbies
5. Purpose driven energy