Ho Hey

Calm Plants

Last night halfway through Capoeira training, I felt this unprecedented sense of calm and peace wash over me. It was as if the all too familiar nerves, frazzled feelings and negative self-talk had packed their bags and headed off for their vacations.

Albeit inexplicable, I was really allowing myself to enjoy this feeling of bliss, by spreading it to others, using my new found energy to truly be present in the moment and actively listening to others. I hate to harp on to the past but it felt as if I had my old self back, the always positive, energetic and playful self.

I can’t recall when was the last time I felt such serenity in my soul. All of which feels very undeserving because really, what have I done to deserve such happiness? Beating myself up about not doing enough, being lazy is the norm throughout my life. The guilt generated drives me on to strive higher, work harder.

But something in me broke and the unpleasant feelings are multiplied and amplified beyond control, paralyzing the goodness which had always kept me in check. So I became crazy. So utterly crazy that I feared myself at times and had to do a manual PC shut down by wrapping myself up in tears, the darkness of my room and the snugness of my sheets.

The past few weeks have been full of open, honest and novel conversations with varying degrees of friends. To say that being vulnerable and doing talking therapies was effective at this point in time will be a lie.

Some conversations have rewarded my courage of revealing my “weaknesses” to these friends, many of whom have only been familiar with my always sunny disposition in the past. I feel inspired and invigorated at the thought of being able to participate in this great wonderful gift of life.

However, there were also some which made me acutely aware of the negative vibes I was emitting, such a jarring contrast to the “old self” I was and it devastated me because the darkness felt out of control. I felt shut off from the world, the chasm between myself and the sweet life growing wider by the minute.

All I know is, life is a learning journey. I am gradually and painfully learning skills like emotion management and communication, which I’ve never had the privilege to learn growing up.

So here I am, feeling like a 90-year-old back bent and aching from uncomfortable college classroom seats, hunched over the desk, sweating and attempting to memorize equations. Learning people skills in the midst of those adapt to it can be intimidating and highly tempting to just throw in the towel (which I did at certain points in time aka episodes).

I’m trying my best to regard everything difficult as a challenge, a lesson in which I will emerge on the other side, not perfect but more able to take on the shit life sometimes toss at us.

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