Because God forbids I feel happiness at all

Woke up to a sadness attack, akin to the panic attacks of anxiety disorders. Thoughts were screaming at me in my head. And then more thoughts. And more. Until I couldn’t control it anymore.

I started listening to them. Then I thought of them to be true and the tears came uncontrollably. I felt completely exhausted. So I curled up in my sheets playing with the thought of skipping work today. But NO. I can’t do that.

Sometimes when I get these sadness attacks, I enjoy slamming my hand hard against walls, railings or anything hard that causes this warm, numbing pain that felt kind of good. Tried doing that today but couldn’t muster the strength to slam until I get the appropriate level of pain.

Was feeling so good during Capoeira on Tuesday. Best I’ve felt during the month. But then God (if he exists) decided that that’s enough happiness for the month and proceed to drag me down to the pits of hell before forsaking me.

My best friend Rena is coming back tonight. It will be such a long day until I get to finally see her. Hope the sadness spell ebbs during work today.

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