Jitters and beyond

So here I am counting down to the first half marathon (Sundown 2015) I am challenging myself to finish. In 5 hours’ time, I’ll be rubbing shoulders with other runners, illuminated by the bright lights, heart pumping with adrenaline.

Here’s to me taking on the biggest dare in 2015, one I am putting myself up for and through. I want to finish that race to prove to myself that I am not a lost cause. I need to know that there is something in me still capable of fighting and living. This race is so important. I know that this time, it goes far beyond my physical capabilities. It’s my mind I have to count on. My thoughts, my drive, my essence. The warrior inside.

To be honest, I’m exhausted, dragging around the weight of pessimism, a large slab of concrete chained to my ankles. I can’t blame myself for having bad thoughts because after all, those are habits I have been living with for a while. I need to accept that. What changes is now, in the midst of great adversity, I am giving myself the opportunity to break free of the rungs that hold me back and persevere until things get better. Slight progress will suffice.

I’m not being too coherent here now. The thoughts are having a rave in my brain. Past me would have attempted to control them and feel utterly frustrated by the futility of that efforts. I’m surfing the crowd, face to the sky. So far so good.

If I collapse during the half marathon, know that I’m at a stage in my life when I’m nonchalant towards death and wouldn’t mind having my life discontinued right this moment. So don’t feel sad for me if that happens because you won’t need to.

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